To the Mom of a Toddler and Twins on the Way

Mama, I keep thinking about you! Eight months into life with twins and a toddler, I keep thinking about the things I wish someone would’ve told me, and the things I’ve taken away from this journey so far. I know your heart is racing with worry and exhaustion those last few weeks of carrying those babies, and I hope you’re feeling so loved and cared for as you get ready to meet them. I hope you feel some peace amidst the unrest.

You’ll soon find out - your situation is not something anyone else can really understand unless they’re living it. For better or for worse. You’ll be annoyed when people say “Mine are close in age, so I get it.” Nope. It’s not the same. You have two tiny humans needing you in the exact same ways, at the exact same time, all day every day — oh and a toddler, too. You’ll feel alone in your struggles pretty often. Or maybe that you’re so entrenched in motherhood these days that you begin to lose sight of the you that exists beyond these precious babies.

I’ve had some of my hardest, darkest days in this season. The sensory overload is real and beyond overwhelming. Touched out, cried out, trying to function in a constant state of chaos, give a damn busted, guilt over said give a damn being busted… but also days where I’ve never felt stronger or more capable in my entire life. Taking two or even three somewhere by myself sounds so simple, but man, you’ll feel like a badass when you get the hang of going places with them, without help. Or when they’re all fed, occupied and happy at home and maybe you can enjoy a cup of coffee with only one reheat instead of three. You’ll feel on top of the world!

This year has refined me so much - iron in the fire. Coming home from the hospital leaving two babies in the NICU an hour away. Powering through tasks that I didn’t give a second thought to with one baby but feel straight up daunting with two (or three). On the days I’ve felt like I had nothing else to give. Not an ounce. When I’ve taken deep breaths and given myself pep talks as I dig in a little deeper, mentally and physically, just to be able to just make it to the next nap. When I take a step back, I know it’s all refining me. As a mom, a wife, a human.

All I can tell you is to let yourself release every expectation that flashes through your mind. Let go of all the “shoulds.” That’s been the hardest part for me. Especially when I compare the twins to my oldest and think things like “I should be doing more with them. I did so much with her.” Outings. Activities. Baby led weaning. Reading. Snuggling. All of it. Let it go and embrace the bare minimum sometimes. You’ll all be better for it. What worked for one might not make sense for two. These babies’ first year just won’t look like your oldest’s did - there’s no way it could! Different but still wonderful. No one is giving out Mom awards. Everyone just gets a participation trophy here, so take advantage. Do what you need to do to make it through each day and let that be good enough. All three of your babies are still so loved. That’s truly all that matters.

Remember the oxygen mask rule. Always put yours on first. Set a crying baby down and go pee. Brush your hair. Brush your teeth, please. Eat lunch. Take a sip of water. Take a breath. Let the laundry pile stay unfolded and sit down for five whole minutes. Our culture has gone a little far with the whole over-glorification of motherhood as martyrdom and the self care obsession, but at the same time - don’t neglect your basic needs, mama. You cannot pour from an empty cup.

This isn’t for the faint of heart. You’ll wish every single day that you had an extra set of hands. Or that you could sneak in a nap while your babies all nap, just one time, but the to-do list will win out and you’ll try to be productive. You’ll lie awake for hours at night even though you’re exhausted because that’s when your brain and your shoulders can finally decompress. Every new phase of your twins’ babyhood will present its own challenges, as will trying to parent and disciple a toddler while your attention and patience are both spread thin. You’ll all make it through. Lean on your support system. Don’t be afraid to ask for help or just to vent. Ditch the comparison game. Embrace the chaos and the mess. Get a Twin Z pillow. Do whatever you need to do to make life easier for yourself. Spend one on one time with your oldest. Say the words “oh well” more often.

You can do hard things!

Love,
A mom in the thick of it.

P.S.
Not sure if this was so much a letter to you as it was another pep talk to myself. Either way - cheers to us, mama.